It's Weird
by walkthatlonesomevalley
Summary: After the wedding Karma tries to deal with the fact that Amy is actually dating Liam.
1. Chapter 1

_*not sure if I'll ever finish this. i was more excited to explore the beginning*_

_*I wanted to explore a little of what might be going on with all the characters if Amy did continue to date Liam throughout the summer*_

**It's Weird...**

**Chapter 1**

**Summertime Sadness**

**Part I**

"Fuck you, Karma," Amy spat bitterly through her tears. She hadn't planned on getting caught like this. She hadn't planned on anything really, not anything.

"So, that's it?!" Karma took a few steps back, but she couldn't stop staring at this person. She couldn't believe what she had just seen and just heard. Those words came out of her friend. Those words came out of Amy fucking Raudenfeld her only true friend in all the world. "I try to help you. I try to stop you. Because I KNOW you're making a mistake and that's? That's it?! Fuck me?" Karma was so confused.

"LEAVE!" Amy yelled. She couldn't look at her anymore.

"You think this has been easy for me? You really think that?!" Rage filled Karma from the tips of her toes all the way to the very top of her head. It was like she could feel the anger surround her and envelop her in a heavy cloud. There was no escaping it. It was everywhere. "When this all started I asked you if it was okay."

"KARMA!"

"NO! I did! I asked you," Karma shook. She had been angry for a second but she calmed a little with her thoughts, "Because I loved you, Amy. Because I _love_ you. And now I have to stand here and listen. I have to hear how much you HATE me?"

"Whatever," Amy bit.

"No, Amy! Not, whatever." Karma took a step close but stopped mid-stride. This girl, her friend, she'd changed. "I never tried to hurt you. I never ONCE actually _tried_ to hurt you Amy. Do you really not see?"

Amy sat down on the bed away from her, she couldn't listen, it hurt too much.

"When this started it was fun. It was something else we could have. It was something else that was just ours."

"And Liam's," Amy said without looking.

"Don't," Karma said, her eyes squeezing as she tried her best to keep them from closing at the pain. It wasn't about him really, none of it was.

"Don't what? Tell you what actually happened since you only seem to remember the things that _you_ want?"

"That's not true," Karma gasped and a tear rolled out of her eyes. There was no use now, they'd all just come freely. She could never hold herself together with Amy, not really. "I remember EVERYTHING Amy. EVERYTHING." She walked closer and hovered just near. "I remember when we first kissed. I felt something, okay. I never told you but I did. And that's all I thought about last night after…"

Amy felt her stomach twist and Karma cut her sentence short because they didn't need reminding. They really didn't need reminding.

"I remember how I'd hurt you on accident. Over and over. Every time it was an accident. Every time I had no fucking clue. No fucking clue that the thing I had done was going to hurt you. I wouldn't have done it! Any of it. I would take it all back!"

"You still hurt me."

"You know what Amy, I did.. And I know that…" She shook. "But it WASN'T like this." Karma tried. She tried to make her understand but how could Amy understand. To Amy it was heartbreak no matter what. They would hurt each other now that's just what they would do.

"You were right okay?" Amy decided it would be this way. She decided right then. Hell, maybe she had decided the second she saw Liam but she didn't know it, not really. But she knew it now. She knew it now. "Is that what you wanna hear?" She asked bitterly. "You were right when you thought I was into him."

"That is BULLSHIT Amy. God, that is SUCH bullshit!" Karma yelled. It was taking all her strength to stay away and not push her. She wanted to push her, she wanted to slap her or shake her or do anything ANYTHING but this. Amy had decided to hurt her. She had decided to hurt her by sleeping with Liam. But that was okay. That first part was okay. Karma understood. She understood why she did it.. But this?

"I'm with him now. We're together."

"WHY?! This isn't about him!" Karma shook.

"I like Liam Booker."

"But you don't," Karma knew she didn't.

"It doesn't matter. Nothing matters."

"This matters Amy! We matter." Karma let her knee fall onto the bed and she caught Amy's shoulder with her hand but Amy moved, standing up to turn and look down at her shakily but as cold as she could possibly muster.

"You got what you wanted. We're popular now."

"All I _ever_ wanted was for us to be happy," Karma confessed. "Whatever this is… This is not what I want."

"Well you got what you wanted," she laughed lightly, wiping her face. "It's too late now. We're done," Amy shrugged. She turned and walked out of her room. She knew Karma wouldn't follow. She knew Karma would just wait or leave through the window or do whatever. She knew she could escape her.

**Part II**

After recovering from those words and allowing herself to move again, Karma changed into a pair of Amy's sweats. She turned on some music and tucked herself into Amy's bed. The sheets smelt confusing because they were all in them, all three of them, now. Karma had spent so many nights in Amy's bed, holding her, smelling her hair. But Liam had been there as well as Amy and the bed smelt like lies but also comfort, like happiness but also pain.

After the threesome and after she kept it a secret that she had been having sex, her nights with Amy had been her favorite because for a while they had been happy again and things had been normal, simple, just them.

She sobbed a long while smelling Amy through her pillow. When Amy didn't come back for her she let herself fall asleep.

Amy came in later and noticed that Karma hadn't left. She stared at her for what felt like forever from all the way across the room. Karma was making everything hard. She always did. But she had been right. Karma never did it on purpose, not like Amy. It didn't matter now though, it was weird…

She stole a pillow and closed the door. She'd sleep on the couch.

Karma left when she woke up alone. And Amy didn't talk to her after that. She didn't even try. Not even once.

**Part III**

The summer went by in a blur for Karma. She followed Liam's facebook and noticed every time he had taken her out. Amy was in these nice dresses and she was wearing earring more often and more make-up than usual. There was this one picture with Liam kissing her on a wall. Someone else posted it and tagged them but Karma couldn't get it out of her head, that picture it hurt her the most. It looked like they were out at a club or something. Amy's dress was so short and Liam's hand was on her ass and that picture, God it killed her.

To try and keep sane, Karma started working the farmer's markets with her parents and helping out on the patch of land they used at a community farm. She read a lot of books and cried a lot but kept that to herself. She made some money by helping them run the truck and she tried to busy herself but also keep herself in check.

Zane came back for a week or two and that kept her really busy. He took her with him on a trip to New York. It was hot and sticky but it was magical. The whole time Karma couldn't help but wish that Amy was there. In the hotel room, at the top of the empire state building, in Bryant park after getting sushi and boba, even during Wicked when Elphie and Galinda sang their final song. Every time Karma had a second to think she thought about Amy and wished she was with her. Then she'd lose control and check facebook and see that Amy had been with him and with him and with him. She tried to not let it bother her but FUCK, it really did.

Amy didn't call. She didn't text. She didn't write. And she never came to see her. It was like they were over. Done. No longer together. No longer anything other than strangers.

It was hard to explain but to Karma this was the biggest heart-break of her life. After a summer filled with loneliness and doubt, Karma had lost all hope that she and Amy could ever be friends again…

**Part IV**

School started on a hot August day. Karma wanted to skip but her mother convinced her to be strong. When she passed Amy she walked slow and stared. Amy turned from her to mirror her movements; she made it impossible for their eyes to ever meet.

They only had one class together and Amy was sitting in front. There would be no way for her to look at Karma without looking back and Karma knew. Karma spent all of that class watching Amy's hair. If Amy twitched at all she would freeze and just wait. She wondered if Amy could feel how much she wanted it to happen, how much Karma wanted to see her eyes and see her face.

At lunch Karma sat alone. Across the way she watched as Amy held Liam close to her and squeezed his hips with her thighs. Amy was sitting up on a table and holding him, sometimes kissing him. It was so strange to see them like that. So fucking bizarre.

"Hey you," a sweet voice called.

"Oh," Karma said, clearing her throat. She hadn't noticed but watching them had taken her breath away. It made her feel hot in different ways, conflicting ways. She wasn't angry anymore, just sad.

"You haven't talked to her, huh," Shane asked.

"I tried. After…"

"The wedding," Shane said, he knew more than he was letting on.

"Yeah… After that."

"I know it looks like they're happy but they're not."

"What-da you mean?" She stuttered. Just one comment sparked the hope.

"She's lost something." He said.

"Please don't say: me," Karma couldn't take any cheese, not after all the shit she'd been through. "This summer has been a nightmare," she held her head.

"No, she's lost something. She's not happy like she used to be. Even with you, even when…" He stopped himself. He didn't want to say anything wrong. "Even when you didn't' know you were hurting her, she was happier than this."

"I don't get it," Karma said. All those pictures all those dates. They were kissing, they looked like lovers.

"She's drowning in him. It's obvious. It's easier than to hope. Ta try..." He was so intuitive. Karma watched as he stared off at the two them and picked at the grass absent-mindedly. She hadn't seen Amy smile. She hadn't seen Amy look at the world at all, not really. "They're being sad together. Both of them."

"I love her, ya know? I've always loved her," a tear rolled down Karma's cheek and he saw. She touched her back tooth with her tongue, wishing she could be better at keeping it all inside. Her emotions came out so easily. She should never have come back to school. She was fragile.

"Nothing's changed," he said. "Not really. She's just lost."

"So am I," Karma said.

"You've gotta fight for her."

"It hurts too much."

"It's the only way."

"No, you," she stopped herself since the anger had returned. "You don't know what it's like to watch your best friend give up on you and turn their back. That _is_ what she did. I would never do that to her." "You don't know what it's like. And I can't-" she shook. "I can't listen to you when you're telling me to try. I can't even hear it in myself. I've tried already. She doesn't want me. You can't even imagine what that's like. How it hurts," she choked down a sob.

"I can't…" Shane smiled softly. "You're right." He took her hand and made her look at him with a finger beneath her chin, raising her eyes up so that they could see. "All I know is, she _does_ love you."

"You can say it but all I see is what I see." Karma let her eyes trail back over to the lovers on the table. Amy's closed eyes and blank expression. Liam's nose in her hair as she loosely held him and they ignored the others who were talking and having normal days.

Shane gave up after that. He watched them and watched her. Eventually he laid back and pulled Karma into him and let her cry into his shoulder.

"You'll get through this, you both will."

"I feel so alone without her. It's like my life isn't real anymore. She's the only one who made it real."

Shane wiped a tear from his eye and tried not to move. He didn't want her to know that he'd been hurting the whole time. Pablo was gone but watching Amy and seeing her change? It was too much for him. He couldn't get behind it.

"You're real. I feel you," he smiled and took her hand since it lay on his chest anyway, afraid to let go.

Across the way Amy opened her eyes just enough to see them there and know. It was harder now that school was back. Harder to pretend it was all fine the way it was. Despite what she may have thought before, Karma was still not okay.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**It Proves A Lot**

**Part I**

The next day Karma forced herself to go to school. Shane's words had been a tremendous help and everything about that was almost shocking. It didn't take Amy seeing her or talking to her, all it took was for Shane to explain his side of things and what he had seen over the summer. Karma knew that Shane had spent a lot of time with Amy. In fact, the only time Amy seemed to crack a bit of a smile on those facebook photos was when Shane was with her or Shane was taking them. Karma had seen a few on Lauren's facebook page as well as Shane's. She was starting to feel like a stalker. But it was Amy, so…

In science Amy was gone. She had skipped. Or been late?

At lunch she was gone too.

"See?" Shane asked.

"It doesn't prove anything."

"It proves a lot," Shane said.

"She didn't have to deal with me yesterday. She didn't even look at me."

"I'm sure she looked," he said sweetly.

"Did you talk to her?" Karma asked.

"Not much."

"Do you think she's sick?"

"I think she's hiding."

When she didn't come to school on Wednesday Karma knew it was probably true. But then Thursday rolled around and she still hadn't come. The thought that Amy was ill crept up on Karma once again. It was that little voice inside her, the nagging one. The one that kept saying,_ she couldn't possibly, Karma. She couldn't possibly care about you. Not anymore. _

Karma wondered if she should just try and go see her. She quelled the urge, choosing instead to learn a new song on her guitar.

At school the next day Karma was shocked to find that Amy was actually there. In the morning she was there. In science she was there. At lunch she was there.

Liam and Amy spent that free half hour just as they had on Monday and Karma watched. There was less kissing though, more holding. And Karma couldn't help but notice that Amy looked at her now, she saw her and stared almost sorrowfully. But she might've been seeing through her because there was no reaction in that stare. It was like she was under a spell.

Before 5th period Karma stalked her. She watched Liam leave her. She watched Amy struggle with her locker. Amy looked almost weak. She had lost weight. Karma noticed it now and it frightened her as Amy's hands shook for no apparent reason.

Fed up and not knowing that Karma was watching, Amy fled to the nearest bathroom and proceeded to cry.

Karma followed though, slowly, giving her time and not caring at all about the class she was supposed to have now.

The sounds of sobs hit her first as she entered the room and found Amy nowhere. The third stall was occupied and only the third stall. Karma made herself invisible, standing still in the bathroom by the door where Amy couldn't see or hear her because she was trying for that, simply trying.

Silence was everywhere except for the third stall. Amy's crying intensified and her sobs rang out. She probably thought she was all alone.

Karma turned to the door and her shoes made a noise.

"Who's there?" Amy stopped. She held her breath. Someone else was inside. "Answer me."

Karma turned the lock on the bathroom door so that it would just be them now and no one else.

"It's me," Karma said shakily, taking a step close to her stall and then another.

Inside the stall Amy felt herself NEEDING to cry more. It was worse because it was her. She wouldn't have cared if it had been a stranger. But it was Karma, the one person who shouldn't know.

"W-why are you crying?" Karma asked sadly.

"Just go away," Amy sobbed. She pulled a ball of toilet paper out and wiped at her face.

"I don't want to," Karma said.

"I don't care what you want," Amy spat.

"Obviously," Karma scoffed under her breath. Amy must've heard her because her crying let up for a second. "I care about you," Karma said, trying to be bold. "All summer I missed you. I even went to New York and-"

"STOP. TALKING." Amy ordered loudly. She covered her ears with her hands and felt like screaming.

"I missed you. That's all I did," Karma said. If Amy heard anything at all Karma wanted it to be this.

Amy heard her even though she was trying not to. She heard everything, including what wasn't said.

"Look, I … I don't know what this is about. It's probably not about me. At least I hope it's not because you can talk ta me, ya know? I just… Amy, I just want my best friend back…"

She stood for a second outside of the stall. When Amy didn't move or speak she decided to leave.

Inside the stall, once Amy had heard Karma's footsteps leave and the door swing shut, she cried harder.

**Part II**

She had been so good all summer. Amy couldn't help but think of it. She had been so fucking good.

Things could be simple if she could just forget Karma. Was she a lesbian? Who knows. All Amy knew was that she loved Karma and no one else. She wanted Karma and no one else.

Karma chose Liam on that first day last year so Amy just copied that after the fall. After the confession and the fuck-up she just decided to be someone else.

But now…

Amy hadn't planned on it lasting so long. Just as Amy hadn't planned on still caring. Liam was convinced that Karma had hurt them both on purpose and for a while Amy pretended to believe that too but she knew it was a lie. Karma didn't hurt Amy on purpose. Karma would never do that.

It took school to fuck things up.

Just knowing that Karma was there. Just knowing that Karma was breathing the same air and watching her without stop no matter where she went or who she was with.

Amy had thought Karma would be mad. Karma wasn't mad.

"Hey," Liam said. She got into his car to go home.

"What's up?" He asked, knowing her moods.

"She talked to me."

"She what? When?" Liam was stunned. Karma hadn't tried once to talk to him, not even once after all that happened. No apology. No nothin'.

"She must've been following me after lunch… I was crying…"

"Amy, shit," Liam groaned.

"I'm an idiot."

"No you're not," he said, taking her hand softly and holding it to try and help.

"She said she just wanted her best friend back…" Amy looked up at him with tears in her eyes and he pulled her close as she cried.

"Look Amy.. I know… I know things with us are sort of…"

"Fake?" She choked out.

"Yeah… We both know," he was glad they were talking about it. They'd been faking so long it was beginning to feel real.

"I know," she said, confirming it.

"If you want to talk to her you should, okay? I mean, I'm not going to, not if I can help it. But Karma and I, we were never as close." There wasn't a correct way to explain what Karma and Liam had been. They had both used each other and lied to each other. It was very different than his relationship with Amy. He was actually really starting to care for her and that scared him because he knew she was honest and he knew she didn't love him that way despite all that they did and how they lost themselves in each other just to feel something else.

"I dunno," Amy said.

"Do you…" He paused, stroking her hand and feeling its soft warmth and how good it actually felt. "Are you still in love with her?" He asked, swallowing hard.

It had been this unspoken thing. A question they both knew the answer too.

Amy wiped a tear from her face and cried harder, holding his side and burying her head in his chest.

"It's okay," he said, kissing the top of her head and breathing her in.

Her pain was so real and he found himself swimming in it.


	3. Chapter 3

_*warning __**M content**__*_

_*warning __**AMY AND LIAM WILL BE HAVING SEX IN THIS CHAPTER**__*_

_*I'll probably get a lot of hate for this but I've written so much karmy that I just wanted to try this out*_

_*if liam and amy ever actually happened I'd see them happening just like this*_

**Chapter 3**

**Fuck The Pain Away**

**Part I**

In the parking lot after school Karma walked by Liam's car and accidentally saw them. She wasn't trying to pry. She didn't even know they would be there. But they were there and they were holding each other. It was so bizarre. They both looked so sad.

She had done this. This was all her fucking fault.

She hurried off to her car and drove home as quick as she could. Nothing could erase it though. She had driven them into each other's arms by being careless and idiotic and having absolutely no foresight, no way of thinking about how what she does could have repercussions.

The rage filled her, the rage from the beginning of summer. It was the rage she thought she had overcome but she lost at that, she really did.

At home, instead of crying, she changed into gym clothes and forced herself to go work out.

**Part II**

"Want a coke, Aim?"

"Yes, please," Amy sighed. Ever since the wedding she'd been spending a lot of time at Liam's house. His parents were hardly ever there and it was better with him. Lauren and Farrah weren't on her back all the time, trying to get her to feel better and no one could come looking for her except maybe Shane. Liam was somehow great at that, feeling her out. It was like everything with them ran on intuition and quiet kindness. Amy didn't have to talk. She could just be. And he was okay with that, in fact, he actually liked it a lot.

He opened the coke and handed it to her. Sitting down on the couch he raised his arm up on the back like he usually did and Amy came to him, leaning close with her head on his chest so that he would hold her. Somehow it felt safe with him, even though it was fake.

**Part III**

At the gym Karma noticed Lauren right away. It was weird because they weren't friends but they weren't enemies. She hadn't really talked to her all summer. And there was only one coincidental encounter at the farmer's market but Lauren was with a guy so she just rushed the interaction and fled before Karma could talk.

Deciding to be bold, Karma took the elliptical next to Lauren's and looked over at her before plugging in her headphones. When Lauren noticed her though she took her earbuds out right away and slowly stopped moving, holding onto the rails and taking her in with her eyes.

"Karma… Hi," she said, panting to breathe.

"Hi," Karma answered sadly. "It's been a long time."

"It has," Lauren said. Lauren got down off the machine and Karma thought for sure that meant she was leaving but Lauren grabbed Karma's wrist surprisingly and pulled her off the machine and over toward the treadmills. "Come on, we should talk," Lauren said.

"Ah- okay," Karma stuttered. "I don't know what I can say but-"

"No, I meant, I should talk." Lauren clarified, looking her in the eye at the foot of the treadmill before getting on. "Come on, get on," she urged.

Karma walked up and turned it on. She decided she'd take it slow so that she could hear.

"Shane told me she's not happy," Karma said.

"No shit Sherlock! Of course she's not happy!" Lauren was already running. She was running fast too. Karma was stunned

"I tried to talk to her today but-"

"You did?" She almost fell off. Karma watched her speed to lower the pace with her finger. "Oh, thank God. Nothing gets to her. This summer has been WEIRD!" Lauren huffed.

"What do you mean, nothing gets to her?"

"You've seen her now, she's like a ghost."

"Sort of," Karma said, not knowing if she'd put it exactly that way. "All summer I kept seeing all those pictures on facebook."

"Facebook is a fallacy!" Lauren yelled. "UHHHH!" She groaned. "This isn't working!"

She stopped the treadmill and stopped Karma's too.

"Come on, we should get coffee," Lauren said, tugging her along.

"I was going to exercise but-"

"Shut up Ashcroft. You want to know what I know." Lauren was right.

They grabbed their stuff and left in Lauren's car. There was no real fighting it. Lauren usually got her way.

**Part IV**

Liam and Amy mindlessly watched tv. Every now and again one of them would chuckle and they would lovingly lock eyes or cuddle tighter. It was the strangest relationship, not so real but not so fake. Amy wanted a term for it. A term that was better than "rebound," because that wasn't it at all. It was like psychologically necessary. She needed him to get by. Or perhaps he was her crutch, the thing keeping her from moving on, but in a good way.

"Are you okay?" Liam asked, once the silence became heavy and they both knew they weren't watching the show.

"Not really… You know that though," she said, threading her fingers with his and feeling his soft soft hands and breathing him in.

"Can I do anything?"

"I feel like I'm keeping you," she said. "Like I'm greedy."

"Amy, you're not," he said. "Really, it's fine."

"You know I can't love you. But you're nice to me anyway," she said sadly, looking up at him.

"I just get it, that's all."

"But Liam, how could you?"

"I don't even know," he sighed. Something about Amy and the way she was, something about her just spoke volumes to him. It was like he could feel what she was feeling and he could tell that she needed him, wanted him, and not for sex, not really, for something else, to feel okay.

"I feel like I'm using you," she said.

"I used you first," he reminded. The whole dating thing had been his idea. She wasn't going to do it but when Karma caught them she knew she wanted to just the same.

"You didn't. I wanted to."

"You know what I mean."

"This is different though," she said, sitting up and scanning his eyes. "You hold me when I'm sad. When I'm angry you let me fuck you," she swallowed hard, hating the person she had become. Her life had become simple in the most fucked-up way. "You know I love her but you're here with me and you don't hate me."

"It's not your fault, Amy," he said, pushing her chin up with his hands and kissing her. She felt his tongue slip into her mouth and it tasted familiar. It wasn't bad at all, it was just Liam and she liked him, just not enough. "I like it when you get angry and fuck me," he smiled sweetly.

"Doesn't it make you mad that we don't make-love?"

"Not really…" He confessed. "You're real when you're mad like that. I'd rather it was real."

"And I'm not real now?" She scoffed, almost laughing. He could cheer her up. How did he do that?

"You're always real, it's just then.. You're really real, then. You take it out on me and I don't hate it." They exchanged a look that was almost stillness, and she kissed him this time, she kissed him and kissed him hard.

The last time they had sex it had been the first day of school. Amy had been crying and anxious. She tried to go home but it drove her insane. She showed up at Liam's house and found him out on his tennis court fucking around with some wood. She surprised him, basically attacked him.

"Fuck me," she said, unbuttoning his shorts and trying hard to push them down.

"Amy wait," he had laughed, taking her hand to get her to stop. She had been reaching for his clothes, trying to tear them off, trying to get him naked.

"I need you," she said, trying to fight even though he was strong.

"Okay," he smile queerly, looking down at her and walking her out to the little equipment shed he had built for the court.

"I can't wait. You have to," she fought. "You _have_ to fuck me," she pushed. "Please, Liam, do it," she was frantic and pulling at him.

He tried to stop her because she was so upset. But she hadn't been happy for months by then. Her cloudy moods and random orders were something he had gotten used to and he didn't want to control her, he wanted her to have it her way. More importantly, he_ liked_ her way.

"Okay, okay," he said calmly, pulling her into the shed and shutting the door. As soon as they were in she sat up on the counter and motioned for him to come close.

He dropped to his knees and kissed her bare thigh. He was going to try to lick her but she pulled his face up and pulled him in close.

"I said fuck me," she growled angrily, digging a condom out of her pocket and shoving it fast and hard into his hand. She had purposely worn a skirt with nothing beneath it and she had brought a condom because she knew what she wanted even before she left the house.

"Fine," he said calmly, trying to hurry. They could do it slow and they'd feel better longer but she liked it this way, she always did and he knew that.

It was fast when it happened because he was hard just from her words. He entered her carefully but she clutched at his ass with her hands, digging her nails into his skin and holding her breath as she pulled him hard inside of her and gasped from all the pressure.

"Uhhhhhhh," she moaned as she hovered there in ecstasy. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," she gasped, almost crying with how good it felt. She moved her hands up to his face and kissed him hungrily to try and ease her pain and thank him all at once. She just wanted it to stop. She wanted the thoughts to go out of her head. "Uhhh," she moaned in his mouth as he wiggled just a bit and lit her entire body on fire. She was hugging him close with her lips just at his ear and her arm around his neck. "Do it, please," she gasped, crossing her legs up around his back so that he would hold her up with his hands and bounce her. She had found she liked that the most and by now Liam knew it too. "Come on, Liam," she was desperate, she needed it now. He fumbled to hold her but once he had her he felt strong.

As soon as it started all the shit in Amy's head disappeared. She couldn't think about Karma or the wedding or her fuck-ups or anything else. When he fucked her like that she just hung onto him and felt herself falling. She hung on for dear life and tried desperately to breath. It felt good because it filled her up. It felt good because it cleared her mind.

He held her and watched as she went from begging and angry to silent and almost relaxed. She moaned into his ear and sometimes whimpered. Her ohhh's turned into uhhhh's until it sounded like she was barely breathing as he bounced, barely doing anything except getting closer and closer to flooding with pleasure and mindlessness. She was hugging him so hard now.

Liam had to try everything not to just cum. When she surprised him like that it was hard. It went from zero to lift-off with a blink of an eye and it was happening again, just happening. Liam couldn't explain it and neither could Amy. But they'd done that a lot over the summer. And they both tried hard not to wonder what it meant.

Once Amy would come down from her pleasure he'd set her down on the counter and kiss her soft. She'd hold him close and he'd let her hold him. It was so strange but so perfect. It was like nothing Liam had ever experienced because it felt real. It felt like what love should feel like if love was real. He wasn't sure that it was.

All Liam knew was that sex had never been like that before. Not before Amy.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**The Consequence of Sound**

**Part I**

At the cafe Lauren made Karma get coffee and food. Karma tried not to order a thing but Lauren insisted and even told her that she'd pay.

"So, what do you know?"

"Nothing really, I know there are a lot of facebook photos and that they look close."

"They are close. They're disgustingly close."

"Does Farrah know?" Karma asked. Farrah wanted Amy to have a boyfriend but the thought of Farrah seeing the way Amy was with Liam was sort of debilitating. Farrah couldn't even take her and Amy standing next together. How could she take seeing Amy kiss him all the time?

"She knows. She hates it. She's confused." Lauren stated.

"And you?"

"I don't know," Lauren confessed, stirring sugar into her coffee quickly and taking a sip. "I think she's projecting." The conversation came down awful sudden.

"What?"

"I think she's fucking him to feel something."

"Wait, they're fucking?!" Karma had spit out her coffee. She had no idea they were fucking. All that time she thought Amy was in love with her but Amy was fucking him? She was fucking Liam Booker? Like… MORE THAN ONCE?!

Karma wanted to scream. She held at her chest and Lauren watched as Karma had trouble finding air.

"Oh, shit!" Lauren said, getting up and moving to sit next to Karma in the booth. She held Karma close and rocked her. "I'm sorry, I thought you knew," Lauren said nervously feeling like an ass.

"NO LAUREN! I DID NOT KNOW!" Karma gasped. She let Lauren hold her because it felt good to be touched. But _GODDAMNIT! AMY AND LIAM?! _She thought. "I THOUGHT THEY WERE FAKING!"

"I think they are, sweetie," Lauren said. "I think they are. I think they are." She kept repeating it because there was no way to mend that wound. Lauren had thought for sure that Shane or even Amy had beat her to the punch. She didn't want to be _THAT_ person.

"How often? How do you know?"

"Ohhh jeeez, I don't think we should talk about this," Lauren said, sitting up. She moved back to the other side of the booth and stared at Karma sadly, hoping they could talk about the rest but Karma was crying.

"I-I-I can't believe it… All this time…. I thought she was in love with me."

"SHE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU!" Lauren reassured.

"BUT SHE'S FUCKING LIAM BOOKER!" Karma screamed. The diner was loud but not loud enough to drown that out. People stared and the waitress gave them both a nasty look. Lauren took Karma's hand across the table and held it while leaning in to whisper.

"She's fucking him because she can't stop thinking about you."

"That's BULLSHIT!" Karma yelled.

"Uh-Uh," Lauren said, shaking her head. "You haven't been with her… I really don't think it is."

Lauren had been there all summer and seen the way Amy was without Liam around. She wasn't happy about Amy's newfound relationship. It was like nothing had changed since the wedding except Amy had let herself sink deeper into a well of depression.

"She cries all the time. And that's not about him," she wagged her finger and took a bite of the coffee cake the waitress had brought.

"Yeah but how can you know?"

"Believe me, I know." Lauren said with her mouth almost full.

"Fuck! This is so fucked up!" Karma held her head. She couldn't wrap her mind around it. Why would Amy be fucking Liam and why especially if she was in love with her? Karma had spent all this time feeling horrible and wanting to be alone. Only to find that they were actually fucking? Like, actually full on fucking? _There were pictures and stuff but jesus_, she thought.

Karma went home more confused than ever before. And she couldn't stop herself from thinking about it all. It felt weird to be turned on AND disgusted. Mostly she just felt lost, like Amy had actually changed into someone else, someone she really didn't know. That part hurt the most because it was the scariest thing about it.

**Part II**

When Amy got home Lauren was waiting in her room.

"Get out," Amy said.

"I talked to Karma today."

"Why?" Amy asked, she was trying to pretend she wasn't interested but she was.

"She didn't know you two were fucking. Did you know that?"

"What?! What are you talking about?!"

"She didn't know," Lauren said. "Until today," grimaced. "I accidentally-"

"YOU ACCIDENTALLY WHAT?!"

"I accidentally assumed she knew and mentioned it and oh my god THAT GIRL CAN CRY!" Lauren tried. She was trying to make Amy laugh it off but OF COURSE AMY WOULDN'T LAUGH IT OFF!

"UUUURRRRRGG!" Amy yelled and stomped, staring straight at her and wanting to kill. "GET! OUT!" She yelled.

Farrah heard from the kitchen and made her way to Amy's room, only to stop once signaled to do so by a nervous Lauren who had left in a hurry and sent a few noticeable hand gestures in the hall.

_So Karma knows_, Amy thought. _And she didn't know before?_

"FUCK!" Amy screamed, feeling her entire body shake inside of her room. Her fists were tight and she wanted to punch things.

**Part III**

Amy changed quickly and put shoes on. She ran out of her room and out the front door. She had to get to her, had to see her.

Inside the house Lauren sighed to Farrah and said, "FINALLY!" The frustration melting away. It was the one thing Amy couldn't ignore. Karma shouldn't know that. She just shouldn't know. It wouldn't make sense to her because it didn't even make sense to Amy. And Amy knew that Lauren couldn't have put it mildly. It's not like they were fucking in the house but they had been caught by her so Lauren knew.

Outside it was warm but Amy ran the whole way. She stopped at Karma's drive and stared up at her window wishing she could just climb up to her and dodge the whole awkward entrance part.

She dug her phone out of her pocket and texted her.

Amy: I NEED to talk to you!

Karma: Why now?

Amy paced the drive angrily, hating herself.

Amy: I'M OUTSIDE! COME DOWN!

Karma: I'm inside. Come up.

Amy growled and kicked the cement. The front door opened randomly and Karma's Mom shuffled out with a pot in her hands.

"Shit!" Amy cursed under her breath.

Amy: Your mom came outside. :/ help.

Karma got up and stood nervously. She wished she was wearing something else. She wished she was cleaner. She wished she hadn't been crying for a solid hour and a half. She wished a lot of things.

"Amy?" Molly said queerly.

"Yeah, it's me. Hi, it's… It's nice to see you," Amy tried to make small-talk but she was fuming with self-hatred so it was hard.

"Oh sweetie, we've all missed you so much," Molly said, as if Amy had been off dying somewhere instead of just ignoring the Ashcroft's like the coward she was.

"I-I missed you all too," Amy confessed, awkwardly, playing with the back pockets in her jeans. Molly put the pot down and hugged her.

"I'm so glad you came," she said, knowing how down and out Karma had been for months and months and months.

In the doorway Karma appeared.

"Mom, can I steal her?" Karma asked solemnly. She wasn't sure what to expect but she could see in Amy's face that she was already dying.

"Sure, sure," Molly said, stepping back. "Go on now, talk to your girl," Molly smiled. There was a twinkle in her eyes, a teary-mom-twinkle.

Amy nervously walked inside. Karma had taken the lead up to her room since she was scared to leave room for awkwardness. She wanted to know why she was here and it bit at her.

"Wh-what's going on?" Karma said, once Amy had come into her room and shut the door locking it.

"I-I didn't want you to know," Amy said nervously. She was talking now as if she hadn't been ignoring her friend for days-upon-days and weeks-upon-weeks.

"Know what?" Karma was sure this had something to do with Lauren. She doesn't see Lauren all summer than all of a sudden she sees her and Amy's at her door? If Karma had known what would work she would've sought Lauren out a long time ago. Not that this was great because it wasn't. Amy scared her now. The whole thing just scared her.

"Karma… Lauren told me," Amy said, standing far away and not knowing where to put herself.

"Told you what?" Karma wanted Amy to use her goddamn words. She wanted Amy to fucking explain it.

"Liam and I-"

"Oh God," Karma said, turning onto her bed and hugging herself tight. _Liam and I. Liam and I. Could she please not talk that that?!_ Karma thought.

"Karma, come on, this is hard."

"I'm sure it is," Karma said, feeling anger again. But_ AMY IS TALKING TO YOU!_ She thought. _BE CAREFUL! _ She thought.

"Karma… Ah fuck, look.. I can't, okay?! I CAN'T EXPLAIN THIS!" Amy was sure. She was shaking in her room and feeling like the biggest fucking asshole there ever was. Things had gotten so out of hand.

"Explain what?" Karma asked, still wanting her to say it. She looked at Amy closely, this girl she used to know. "You're not faking anymore, right? You're fucking him?" They couldn't talk about it unless Karma brought it up and she knew that now so she did it, she brought it up.

"It's not what you think. We don't love each other. We really don't."

"Who do you love Amy?" Karma asked bitterly, her face trying to hide how angry she was because she knew. "Come on, tell me. Who do you love?"

"Karma," Amy whined as if asking for help or forgiveness or something, anything.

"Say it please," Karma said. It was the only way she could live with all that was happening.

"You know," Amy shrugged painfully, looking up at the ceiling for help and then back down. "You know. I've said it." It hurt. She didn't want to have to say it again, not if it couldn't be.

"And that hasn't changed?" Karma asked.

"Jesus, no! That hasn't changed." Amy held herself awkwardly. _How could Karma really not know?!_ She thought. "I love you…" She said sadly. "I'm in love with you." It was so weird to see her this way after so long.

Karma got up from the bed slowly and put her pillow down. Amy felt nervous, she felt like leaving, she didn't know what to do.

Karma walked toward her and took Amy's wrist and pulled her arm down away from her body, pulling her in and making her hug her.

"I don't get it," she said, and so fucking close. It was such a whisper and she was touching her so tenderly Amy felt herself leap. "If you love me so much why are you fucking him?" Karma asked, still holding her body to hers. She put her chin up on Amy's shoulder and rest her head with her girl in her arms.

"I don't know," Amy confessed, tears blinking out of her eyes as she tried to be strong.

Karma felt Amy's body shaking. She was shaking so hard, it was impossible to not feel it. And then there was the other stuff. How Amy smelled delicious and like herself. How Karma wanted to be somehow even closer even though it was impossible.

"You're shaking," Karma said calmly, not wanting for her to move. She had a hand on her hip and she loved it there.

"I don't know how to feel," Amy said painfully. She felt tender and alive and she somehow wanted Karma, even more now than before.

"Do you have any idea how much I've been missing you?" Karma asked. She felt the skin of Amy's neck on her nose and moved her lips up to kiss it.

Amy felt it like a chain reaction. Karma kissed her and her whole body caught fire.

"You can't just do that, you can't tease me," Amy shivered, trying to be strong. "I know I hurt you. I know I'm stupid but-"

"You're not stupid," Karma said, pulling her closer and kissing her neck again and again and again. Each time she kissed her it made Karma smile. Each time it made her happy and she felt her mind taken over by that pleasure of being able to, being able to kiss her because Amy was hers right now, Amy was just hers.

"Karma, please, what are you doing?" Amy's body was shaking so hard she felt like she'd fall if Karma let go. "If this is about Liam I-"

"This has never been about Liam," she said, taking her hand and running it under Amy's shirt, feeling her soft skin and her body, the body that shook when she touched, the body she missed and wanted to know again. The body she thought for sure, she could never touch again in all her world.

"Karma, wh-what are you saying?" Amy asked.

Karma leaned back to look at her and Amy seemed so frightened. Karma wished she knew what Amy was thinking. Amy was thinking this was a tease, a joke, something to get back at her, something to hurt her more. But it wasn't like that. Karma was mad but she still wanted her back, she always wanted her back.

"You know, all I needed was a little time," Karma said, wiping Amy's hair from her face and looking at her, pleasantly seeing her up close. God she missed that face and those eyes. She smelled so great, even now, even with Liam all over her, she still smelt like her Amy.

Karma looked at Amy's lips and her eyes, then she did it again, leaning closer, inviting her and wanting her. Amy felt nervous, she didn't understand.

"If you're just trying to hurt me, please don't, I can't take it," Amy hurried to get her words out since it looked like Karma was about to just kiss her.

"That's not what this is," Karma smiled, she loved having her again. She loved that it could feel normal for once, just the two of them in her room.

"What is it then?" Amy asked. Karma was close and Amy felt herself growing dizzy.

"Shhhh," Karma said, "just let me." She leaned close, parting her lips and kissing her soft, instantly needing to kiss her again.

Amy tried not to like it but Karma's kiss was Karma's kiss. The mother of all kisses, it was all she wanted in the world and Karma was kissing her now, she was kissing her and kissing her and kissing her without stop. Slowly but then faster. Softly but then deeper.

Karma felt herself wanting her, she felt her eyes squeeze with the mixed pleasure and happiness of all that was happening, she couldn't believe it, not any of it.

Once they kissed a few times Amy took charge, kissing her hard and long, like she had wanted to do. She pushed back, feeling strong and weak but strong because it was happening and because it was her.

"Uhhh," Karma moaned in her mouth and Amy smiled because Karma's body seemed weak for her. She pushed her back until she fell on the bed and then Amy was hovering over her body a smile taking her, a smile washing over her for the first time in god knows how long.

"Why aren't you kissing me?" Karma asked nervously, her eyes opening and seeing, her smile coming too because Amy was there and Amy was smiling. Her Amy was there and her Amy was smiling!

"I dunno," Amy said, nervously, hovering over her and still shivering with her heart pounding in her chest. She was looking down at Karma and making her nervous. Karma reached up and pulled her down causing Amy's whole body to fall.

"Fuck," Amy said, her body loving the feel of Karma's, her body needing the feel of Karma's. Her body responding and calming and feeling at home with Karma's body.

"Shhhh," Karma said, pulling Amy's lips to her again and kissing her slow. "Mmmmm," she moaned into her mouth. "Uhhhh," she felt her heart race. They had been apart for so long and now Amy was everywhere, all around her. It was perfect.

"Wait, I can't, I can't, I can't," Amy said, stopping Karma and pushing her away softly, just a bit.

"What?" Karma gasped, feeling the panic rise with the confusion.

"I have to tell Liam, I can't just-"

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?!" Karma gasped, wanting her with all her heart. "You haven't talked to me in months. I kiss you and and and-"

"Ya-you don't get it. We were faking, he knows I love you, but he was good to me, I have to, I have to-"

"Oh, well, you have to!" Karma said sarcastically, rolling away from her and not wanting to see her anymore.

"Karma, I-"

"No, no, just go," Karma said, hugging herself and hating her life, just fucking hating it all. Amy's taste was in her mouth and it was bittersweet, so fucking good but then this…

"I'll come back, Karma, I swear. I'll come right back."

"Whatever Amy, don't even bother," Karma shrugged.

Amy stood and went to her, using her hands to hold Karma's face and lovingly push Karma into looking at her.

"He helped me try to get over you and it didn't work," she said, tears crumbling her and rushing her fast. It was hard to talk about and even harder to explain.

Karma just stared sadly, she was the one who was shaking now as tears rushed her. Her chin quivered and she wanted to die. Amy pulled her close and hugged her.

"It didn't work, okay. It didn't work." Amy was choking out words through her sobs because she wanted Karma to understand something that just didn't make sense to anyone but her. After a while, hearing Amy's pain, Karma relented and held her friend close with one arm. She cried hard into Amy's shoulder, she cried so fucking hard because nothing could just work. Nothing could be easy anymore. All she wanted was to have her back. All she wanted was to be in love again with the one person who mattered to her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**There's A Limit To Your Love**

**Part I**

After a long while Karma pushed Amy to go. They didn't have to be kissing or hugging or touching. They didn't have to be but Karma certainly wished that they were. The longer Amy stayed the more tempted Karma was to just kiss her again, just touch her differently, just say something else, just keep doing what she wanted despite all that Amy had said.

There was a little monster in her that wanted to take her. A little monster in her that wanted to hurt Liam like Liam had hurt her. But that monster was wrong and she knew it so she pushed Amy away.

Whatever it was Amy needed to do, Karma wanted it done and she wanted Amy to be happy again.

Amy left the house feeling cloudy and dark. Karma had kissed her though. Karma had kissed her.

Outside on the lawn, Amy held at her lips. She couldn't help but feel them tingle as she smiled. A big part of her was giddy inside but she quelled it, shoving it down because she knew she had taken things too far with him, much farther than she should. As happy as she wanted to be, there was darkness hanging over her joy.

She went home first to talk to Lauren. She didn't know where to go and it felt wrong to talk to Karma about anything Liam related.

"Hey," she said. Lauren noticed a sudden change.

"What happened to you?" She asked, a sly smile creeping onto her face.

"Stop." Amy said, her smile fading. "Can I talk to you?"

"Sure," Lauren said, walking past Farrah and throwing her a surprised face.

They got into Lauren's room and Lauren shut the door. She turned her stereo on just for show. It wasn't like Farrah to pry but it was like Amy to be paranoid so Lauren chose to set a mood.

"What's up?" Lauren asked, sitting down on her bed.

"I kissed Karma."

"I know," Lauren said. "Remember? I was there."

"No, I kissed her again," Amy said, guiltily, sitting down next to her on the bed.

"Okay? That's good right?" Lauren smiled.

"It is but-"

"What is it?"

"I feel like I fucked up…"

"Wait, so… Huh?" Lauren asked. Amy loved Karma. Amy kissed Karma. Lauren was missing the part at which Amy fucked up.

"Liam," Amy gulped.

"Your boyfriend," Lauren said. No one talked about it but everyone knew. Whatever they had it was unique and strange and secret but not at all hidden, not really.

"Sort of… He's sort of my boyfriend."

"But you kissed Karma."

"Right," Amy said. She was taking it slow.

Lauren tried to be calm because she knew anything else would chase Amy away.

"And…" Lauren said, in the most monotone voice she could muster. She didn't want to risk implication. Implication could break things and send Amy running off again into the dark.

"You know I've been having sex with him…" Amy said.

"You're right. I do know that."

"He knows I love her. He's always known."

"But?" It was like pulling fucking teeth.

"But…"

"Amy, look... I wanna help you. But you're taking an awful long time to cut to the chase," Lauren rushed her. She had been very patient but this conversation was still at a standstill.

"I think he might love me."

"Oh boy…"

"Yeah… I know…" Amy said.

"Hu-how long?"

"I dunno… A couple weeks?"

"Why didn't you stop it?"

"It felt good… He said it was okay?"

"But you knew it was coming?"

"I did… But I couldn't stop," she pleaded, looking Lauren in the eye.

"Amy… What did you say to him. When was the last time. When did you last say you didn't love him?" Amy was so very frustrating. Lauren wanted to shake her.

"It was recent actually," Amy swallowed again. A tear fell from her eye and she wiped it away.

"If he knows, then he knows," she tried to comfort.

"But what if I break him?"

"Do you want to stay with him?"

"I dunno… It's safer I guess."

"Amy… You weren't happy."

"I know," Amy cried. Lauren watched as Amy cried into her hands.

"But now?"

"I dunno," Amy whined. It was hard to think about it all. Things were happening so fast now.

"Ah fuck," Lauren said, pulling Amy into her and hugging her tight. "Just talk to him, sweetie… It sounds to me like he already knows…"

Her words had been true. Liam did know. Amy and Liam had talked about it. Liam had already said for Amy to go. There wasn't anything she had to feel bad about. There wasn't anything she wasn't honest with him about.

But she still felt wrong. She still felt so incredibly wrong.

**Part II**

She pulled up to his house and walked in since she knew his parents weren't home.

"Liam?" She called. There was silence in the rooms and for a second she thought that maybe he was out.

"Amy?" A soft familiar voice came from down the hall. "I'm in here," he said. And she followed that voice expectantly.

He was in his little gym, lifting weights and watching tv. He always exercised when he was stressed. That was part of the reason his body was so fit.

"Hey, you okay?" He asked, standing up in case she wanted to hug him.

"I just saw Karma," she said sadly. "We need to talk..."

He sat back down on the bench and thought for a minute.

"Can you wait a second? I wanna shower."

"Sure," Amy said.

"There's food in the fridge."

"Thanks," Amy sighed. It was no help. She couldn't eat a thing.

He showered quick and changed into a basic tee and a pair of cotton shorts.

"You look cute after you shower," she said.

"I know," he smiled, hugging her close and kissing her head. She let her eyes close as she breathed him in. He smelt strong and safe and familiar and safe and sexy and safe and safe and safe. "You're quiet," he said.

"I don't know how to say what I came here to say."

"I already know," he sighed.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"I've been waiting for this." He held the side of her face in his hands, her body pressed to his, and he wished, just for a little while, he wished he could stop time.

Amy kissed his palm worriedly. So he knew but he didn't say?

"Waiting since when?"

"Monday… After school…"

"The car?"

"Yeah… The car…" He took a piece of pizza out of the fridge and bit into it sadly, dropping the rest down on the counter since it tasted like nothing now in his mouth. It could've been sweet delicate cake and it still would've tasted like nothing.

"But we…"

"Yeah, we had sex."

"But you knew?"

"Yeah… I knew…"

"Liam, you're too good to me," she felt nervous.

"No, Amy, I'm really not." He sighed. He walked back over to the couch and sat down feeling sorry for himself and stupid for letting things go.

"You are," she said. "This sucks. I feel like I'm hurting you."

"I would rather keep you, ya know?"

"What?"

"I'd keep you. Even knowing you didn't love me." It had somehow been the perfect arrangement for him. The closest he'd ever come to a steady relationship and mutual love. It was different from Karma, there were no lies, not tricks. He stayed with Amy because he cared for her. And he had never done anything for that fucking reason. Never for a girl. Not for this long.

"I love you, it's just-"

"You're not _in love_ with me, right?"

"Right," she shook, watching him relax into his new depression.

"And I knew. You told me. You haven't lied to me. You haven't led me on."

"It just sucks," Amy said. "It really does."

"This is the longest time I've ever wanted to be with someone," he confessed, looking her straight in the eye.

She got down before him and held his hands.

"I can't even tell you how much you've helped me. If you weren't," she choked out. "If you hadn't," there was no way to explain.

"I'm sorry, Amy. Fuck, you shouldn't feel bad about me," he started to cry. It was hard seeing her sad for him. Hard seeing that she cared so much but couldn't be his.

"Liam," she got up on the couch and tried to hold him but he was big and hard to hold. Once he turned it made it all easier. She felt his soft hair in her palm and his strong arms wrapped up in hers. He held onto her arm and he wept almost silently.

"Don't feel bad for me, please. Don't feel bad," he tried to talk.

"I'm so sorry," Amy said, kissing his forehead and rubbing his hair. He had been the biggest victim. Of everything he had been hurt the most.

Amy couldn't stomach it, she couldn't stomach what she had done. She had no way of knowing it would happen but it did. Liam had started to care for her and she had seen it and let it go. He had cared for her and she had kept on like it was all the same. But it wasn't. It wasn't the same. And she knew. So she felt responsible.

He cried a long time and Amy held him. He cried a long time and they both fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

_*I gotta say that I am lovin' this liamy love*_

_*and yes, I too would prefer to end this in a kiamy (threesome) relationship but I know it would not go over well with most of the fandom so I'll probably have it end in karmy with a happier and more accepted liam, fyi*_

**Chapter 6**

**Maybe I'm The One To Blame**

**Part I**

At home alone, Karma watched as the minutes slowly ticked by. Amy had been gone a long time, a really long time. First it was an hour, then it was two. Then it was three, then four. The hours went and went and Karma waited and waited as long as she could.

Around 3am she had started to cry. Around 4 am she had gotten far too tired to even do that much…

All she could feel was defeat as she drifted helplessly off to sleep.

**Part II**

On the other side of town as light shun silently through the kitchen window Amy woke up in Liam's arms.

"Oh my god," she said, realizing where she was and who she was with. Liam stirred and she shook him. "I have to go," she said. "I have to go."

"I can drive you," he offered.

"I drove here," she reminded. "I'm sorry Liam. I have to." _Go._ She had to go. And she was already out of breath.

Liam rolled away from her, none of it mattered. Life didn't matter. It was all pointless shit. He fell right back to sleep and she noticed, leaving him quietly. Amy silently hated herself. She couldn't help but feel horrible for leaving him like that on the couch with his parents so absent, and his life an obvious mess. All she learned over the summer was that Liam really did have no one else. There was a reason for all of his shit behavior and for a little while she had somehow helped to tame him. It hadn't been her goal. She hadn't cared while it was happening. She hadn't even questioned it because after the shit-storm of faking it, it just seemed normal that Liam should want a bit of normalcy, even just to pretend.

She hadn't realized, at least not until school started up, that he was actually quite satisfied with their off-kilter relationship. Their stormy ups-and-downs. Their agreed upon solitude. He had loved it all while she had been silently drowning.

He wasn't happy for her pain but he was happy that he could be there for someone, anyone. He was happy to be there for her. He liked her. And consistently, for months on end? Amy had needed him and he had been there for her in so many ways.

Leaving him felt fucking wrong. It felt criminal.

But thinking of Karma and knowing that she had probably waited up all night only to be ditched at a time like this? It killed Amy, it really did.

She could only deal with one problem at a time and all of her problems were suddenly beginning to feel self-inflicted. If everything had been Karma's fault before, Amy knew it was all her own fault now. Karma may have made waves and tried things out but Amy had recklessly fallen into trap after trap. Pushing away the girl she loved? Repeatedly forcing the boy she didn't love to fuck her into thoughtlessness?

There was something EXTREMELY wrong with her and she was finally waking up! Finally seeing it!

"IDIOT!" She chastised herself out loud, feeling a wreck as she left out Liam's front door, shuffling sloppily down his drive in her tired and frustrated state. Needlessly, she thought she only had herself to blame.

It was only around 6 am but she already wanted a drink. Nervously she swallowed hard in her throat and longed for something that burned. It was the wrong way to go and she knew it now. She had been fucking up for so fucking long.

She fumbled to her car feeling idiotic and mean. She drove straight to Karma's and knocked impatiently on the front door, trying to calm herself down.

"Amy? Wow, you're up early!" Molly said.

"Can-Can I see Karma?" She stuttered, seeming dire.

"She might be asleep," Molly warned. The sun had only come up a little while ago. Molly had been sipping coffee and reading one of her new magazines since she enjoyed the smell of her plants in the early mornings. The fresh soil and morning dew calmed her soul better than any words or thoughts ever could.

"Please?" Amy begged, it was like being 5 again. Amy Raudenfeld came to play. Only it wasn't for play. Amy was there because she had fucked things up. Again, she was there because she had fucked-things-up.

"Okay," Molly laughed. She was happy to have Amy back, even if Amy was dire and filled with stress and possibly anger. Molly would never assume to know what was going on. She knew bits and pieces but that was all. The girls were talking and that was all that mattered. It was a good thing at last. A very good thing.

Up the stairs and down the hall, Amy basically ran to greet her but stopped slow at Karma's bedroom door. She paused just outside and tried to calm herself but it was impossible. All the feelings in her had surged during the drive. Standing just outside the room where Karma quietly breathed, it was enough to make Amy explode. Her head rushed and swelled in all the thoughts she was having, all of them conflicting. What scared her the most was the thought that she may have just dreamed it all. But that thought was crazy because it had all really happened, after all. It did happen.

Gathering strength, she opened the door and saw. Karma was slumped over in bed with crumpled tissues all around her.

"Shit," Amy said, knowing all too well what those tissues were about. She shut the door softly and carefully pulled her sweater off, throwing it onto the ground. One by one, she peeled off her shoes and socks before crawling up the bed to lie near Karma and be close to her. All she wanted was to hold her again. All she wanted was to know she could be safe again, safe with her.

When Karma didn't wake, Amy scooted close and wrapped her up in a tight hug. She was smiling so big and she felt crazy from it, so goddamn crazy. The smell of Karma's hair in her nose, the touch of her skin, the way Karma breathed soft on her arm and made very little noise, it was all so familiar. She felt her heart swell and her stomach stir and her smile stretch and her tears just come without pain. Her head swam with how impossibly right it felt.

"I love you so much," Amy said, to her sleeping friend who was so tired she couldn't wake.

It was the best feeling in the world and she wanted it for all of time.

**Part II**

Much later Karma woke to the feeling of being held. So many mornings had gone on over the summer, so many mornings where she awoke and felt alone.

Today she woke and felt held. She was scared though. Who was holding her. She reached her hand up and felt the soft skin. Breathing in she smelled the familiar smell.

It was Amy. Amy was with her.

She stirred and Amy woke. Smiling despite it all, Karma rolled over to face her. She put a hand to Amy's face and Amy held it with her own.

"Hi," Amy said.

"Hi," Karma mirrored.

They stared, just stared. Both smiling momentarily like bliss-filled idiots.

"Sorry it took so long…"

Karma didn't know what to feel. Tears rushed her but she smiled despite them.

Those words were somehow perfect.

Amy had taken a long long time to see…

"What?" Amy asked queerly, when Karma said nothing but looked at her like she may just hold all the secrets of the world in her eyes.

"I'm just happy," Karma laughed. Tears spilled out of her but she was smiling. Amy brushed the tears away with her thumb and watched as Karma's eyes closed in the pleasure of her gentle and loving touch.

"I miss you," Amy said.

Karma still wasn't sure if they were talking in code. Everything that Amy said seemed to speak volumes about their time apart. Everything had a duality to it. Simple words just carried so much weight and hearing them at all filled her inside and weighed her down in an unexplainable way that was both good and bad. She didn't want to move or speak or change. For now they were together. For now they were okay.

Truthfully, she'd stay silent forever if it meant they could just be happy again and never have to look forward or back. The thought of losing her again, it frightened her more than anything else in her world.

"You're so quiet," Amy said, staring back at her, never wanting to look away.

"I'm scared to speak," Karma barely got her words out between holding her breath and trying not to burst with feeling.

Amy searched her eyes, the pain in her strong. She leaned forward, pulling Karma's face gently close to hers. Karma took a soft nervous breath before Amy's lips pressed sweetly to hers, making her still. She kissed her like she had wanted to for so very long

"Mmmm," Karma moaned as Amy's lips smiled onto hers after gently parting. That was better. When Amy kissed her she could let herself be okay. When Amy kissed her she could remember how much she actually needed to breath to stay alive.

"Mmmm," Amy mirrored, tasting Karma's smile. Amy let herself feel that feeling she had been trying to ignore. That feeling she wanted. Fuck, that feeling was fantastic. It was like nothing else in her world. She kissed Karma and felt happiness. She also felt it as Karma came closer with that kiss, holding onto her face and pulling her close. Her own mouth opening more as she tasted her back. She wanted her too, God, so much.

With longing and ease, they kissed like only lovers could. Losing themselves in the slow and torturously sweet feelings of wanting and receiving, trying and letting someone else try.

All of this time. They had been trying to fix things with words. But they had been beyond words for so long. Words made things complicated. Words fucked things up.

This was good.

This was better.

Karma pushed into Amy, closing her eyes tight and wishing she could kiss her more somehow. Amy felt Karma's mood turn desperate and she opened her own eyes to see Karma's expression. It was like Karma was still somehow hurting. Almost like she wasn't happy.

Amy pulled away and brushed Karma face with her fingers, trying to feel what it was that was missing, what it was that was wrong.

"Are you okay?" Amy asked.

Karma shook her head no, pulling Amy into her again and kissing her harder, fighting to feel her more and more, holding onto her for dear life as if to let go would mean losing her forever.

It hurt to kiss Amy after how long she had been away. It hurt to know that if things had been different maybe they could've saved each other earlier, saved each other time, heartbreak and time.

"Karma, what's wrong?" Amy asked, trying to stop her.

"Just kiss me," Karma begged sadly, pulling Amy close and kissing her hard. Amy felt as Karma pushed her body onto hers, moving Amy onto her back and making it almost impossible for her to breathe.

"Karma, stop," Amy said. It wasn't right. Karma was obviously upset. "Please, stop. I don't want to touch you like this."

In the middle of fighting Amy and trying to force her to kiss back, to hold her, to be strong on her and want her back as fiercely as she now wanted her desperately and beyond all reason, Karma suddenly began to shake. The feelings in her were so strong and fighting her every move. Without meaning to, and with Amy fighting her, she began to quickly break down.

Truthfully, the fight in her was all gone. Karma had nothing left.

"Shit," Amy said as Karma let her shaking body fall down ontop of her. Amy felt as Karma's body went limp and Karma's hands fell at her sides to clutch at her desperately and her head fell down on her chest. Karma trapped Amy beneath her since she had nowhere else to go and no will left to move. "It's okay," Amy said, feeling Karma's helplessness as she cried violently ontop of her and tried to bury her face in Amy's neck and stiffle her sobs. Instinctively Amy wanted to hold her, to fix her.

It wasn't okay. Why had it taken so long?

All this time Karma had been hanging on by a thread.

Now that Amy was back she could let herself break. She could actually feel how close she was to losing Amy forever.

But how could Karma explain that she had actually given up? She didn't think she could win her back. She didn't know why Amy was suddenly there. And all of that, all of that hurt.

Amy held her, feeling responsible but clueless. She had hurt her so much and it was all her fault.

Either way, both of them knew that the tears were long overdue.

Amy ran her hand up the back of Karma's neck and held her head close, with her fingertips touching Karma's soft hair. She let her eyes close sadly as she wished she could somehow go back, take it all back. Comfort Karma, tell Liam that they couldn't go on. If it had stopped even a month before… Things would be better now.

But it had taken her a long time to realize what she was doing. Amy had been lost in a haze and not even Karma had been able to snap her out of it and get her to wake. It had taken too long.

Karma roared into Amy's neck and clutched at Amy's sides with her hands feeling that familiar body that had been so far away for so very long. She felt the skin beneath Amy's shirt and cried with all of her heart because for a while there Amy had felt like nothing but a long lost dream. She was real though and she was here. Karma couldn't take it. She couldn't take that it had all really happened and that Amy was actually real again, real to her.

Life had been so cruel to them both and it hurt her, just to know.


End file.
